i live in an apartment.
so is it called "apartment-work"?
bout to go work on some design stuff.
just felt like i should tell whoever comes across this:
you are not alone. you are soooo loved, it's explosive, BOOM! we are so small and feel so small sometimes, but we are LOVED SO BIG, by a God who made us, made us each special. we were knitted in our mother's womb. KNITTED, complicated, growing, learning. this Perfect Love casts out all fears. sometimes i don't even realize how much i am loved by the Lord, well most of the time, but when i get a glimpse, a taste, it's something i can't describe, only in my heart, but i do know that we can share This Love through His Love in us, pouring out on others.
i encourage you today sit and try to grasp a taste of how much you are loved.
<3
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
An Evening Before.
Today is October 1, 2009.
Tomorrow is October 2, 2009.
There will only be one October 1, 2009 and the sun has already packed up for the night. Sometimes this frightens me. Well, when i say frighten i really mean, what did i do with my day? Did i glorify God? Did i glorify myself? Was i indifferent? Did i avoid talking to people because of random anxiety?
Today...today was an interesting day. A day that almost felt surreal as each step was taken and each trip over a brick stumbled me. i haven't written a blog in a long time. i don't really have a 'tude against blogging, i have just been going through this semester without really any blog time. i find myself tonight, stuffed with a car(r)amel apple and sitting cross-legged on our covered couch. The lights are off. The roomies in their rooms. i'm sitting here feeling slightly empty. i'm hungry for more. i want more of You in my life. More of You moving, less of me. i have to stop and ask myself, why do i want certain things in this life here? Sometimes the business just pushes those questions behind and days just become a habit, and habits become these things that just stay with us... anyways. Today i got to talk to each of my family on the phone at separate times. My family, i thank God for my family. We may gibber jabber and jab at each other every now and then but at the heart of us, we are the Sykes. We love and appreciate what we each bring to our goober, but lovable family. We like to stand up for each other. We love to help each other across the street of life, when that hand is needed (and lead to do so) otherwise we are there cheering each other on... even when it seems silent. i don't know if i tell them enough, but i appreciate y'all so much. i thank God for bringing us together. i thank God for how i was raised and what i've been through. i thank God for a constant testimony and just what He has planned for us. Good news is coming.
Healing.
In less than an hour i get to wish my sister Shannon a happy birthday! Because we live on the east coast and she lives on the west... it will be her birthday here before there and i'm stoked i get to wish her a happy birthday over here a little early! YAY! <3>
So as i say au revoir to October 1, 2009, forever, i want to give a huge hug to the Lord. For without God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit i, carra sykes, am nothing but a hater. My life has changed, and i want to be steadfast, loving, compassionate, patient, head over heals in love with my maker. i want to be a part of the generation that rises up to take their place.
Praise the Lord " 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion" (Psalm 103)
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Tomorrow is October 2, 2009.
There will only be one October 1, 2009 and the sun has already packed up for the night. Sometimes this frightens me. Well, when i say frighten i really mean, what did i do with my day? Did i glorify God? Did i glorify myself? Was i indifferent? Did i avoid talking to people because of random anxiety?
Today...today was an interesting day. A day that almost felt surreal as each step was taken and each trip over a brick stumbled me. i haven't written a blog in a long time. i don't really have a 'tude against blogging, i have just been going through this semester without really any blog time. i find myself tonight, stuffed with a car(r)amel apple and sitting cross-legged on our covered couch. The lights are off. The roomies in their rooms. i'm sitting here feeling slightly empty. i'm hungry for more. i want more of You in my life. More of You moving, less of me. i have to stop and ask myself, why do i want certain things in this life here? Sometimes the business just pushes those questions behind and days just become a habit, and habits become these things that just stay with us... anyways. Today i got to talk to each of my family on the phone at separate times. My family, i thank God for my family. We may gibber jabber and jab at each other every now and then but at the heart of us, we are the Sykes. We love and appreciate what we each bring to our goober, but lovable family. We like to stand up for each other. We love to help each other across the street of life, when that hand is needed (and lead to do so) otherwise we are there cheering each other on... even when it seems silent. i don't know if i tell them enough, but i appreciate y'all so much. i thank God for bringing us together. i thank God for how i was raised and what i've been through. i thank God for a constant testimony and just what He has planned for us. Good news is coming.
Healing.
In less than an hour i get to wish my sister Shannon a happy birthday! Because we live on the east coast and she lives on the west... it will be her birthday here before there and i'm stoked i get to wish her a happy birthday over here a little early! YAY! <3>
So as i say au revoir to October 1, 2009, forever, i want to give a huge hug to the Lord. For without God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit i, carra sykes, am nothing but a hater. My life has changed, and i want to be steadfast, loving, compassionate, patient, head over heals in love with my maker. i want to be a part of the generation that rises up to take their place.
Praise the Lord " 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion" (Psalm 103)
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Sing it OUT!
Just giving Bryce Avary some mad props for singing it out!
(@ how it ends [invisible children] rally june 23, 2009)
invisible children
Friday, July 10, 2009
Hello, Again.
It has been about a month since i've attempted to write another blog. Sometimes i sit down and think i'm going to but then my words just don't seem like they are ready to be put into a blog.
i was thinking "the other day" about how beautiful our God is and how He brings us random heart smiles. Our God let's us have great memories of friends that can be sparked by something as simple as eating a piece of cotton candy and looking at the sky. We may not understand why that would make us remember a fond memory with someone but the heart remembers and often smiles. Memories of friends in the past, friends in the present, and friends who have been lost can make us feel so many emotions. We are human. We have emotions. And sometimes we try to cut this part of us off. Sometimes our surroundings tell us to be strong, but oh! how the Lord enjoys us being weak for Him.
He already knows what we miss, so why hide it from Him. Let Him know how you are feeling. Sometimes there seems to be a missing piece when a memory is remembered. Why is it a memory and not something i can relive? But i feel like God wants to fill those holes up with so much more. He allows us to have these memories, which is sweet, but He doesn't want us to have these memories to be sad of what we had, or are having and may not have in the future. It's just a little bit of creativity in our lives. Something special we are given. The holes of memories we wish to relive, or to have a moment in again can be filled by this incredible sensitivity the Lord has for us. The UPMOST and the HIGHEST is the definition of strength. But the Lord is also gentile and sensitive. How beautiful of a picture is created by this? i love it.
enjoy your summer day.
remember. :)
and also remember YOU ARE LOVED.
and eat some cotton candy and look towards the sky... haha just kidding.
but love.
i was thinking "the other day" about how beautiful our God is and how He brings us random heart smiles. Our God let's us have great memories of friends that can be sparked by something as simple as eating a piece of cotton candy and looking at the sky. We may not understand why that would make us remember a fond memory with someone but the heart remembers and often smiles. Memories of friends in the past, friends in the present, and friends who have been lost can make us feel so many emotions. We are human. We have emotions. And sometimes we try to cut this part of us off. Sometimes our surroundings tell us to be strong, but oh! how the Lord enjoys us being weak for Him.
He already knows what we miss, so why hide it from Him. Let Him know how you are feeling. Sometimes there seems to be a missing piece when a memory is remembered. Why is it a memory and not something i can relive? But i feel like God wants to fill those holes up with so much more. He allows us to have these memories, which is sweet, but He doesn't want us to have these memories to be sad of what we had, or are having and may not have in the future. It's just a little bit of creativity in our lives. Something special we are given. The holes of memories we wish to relive, or to have a moment in again can be filled by this incredible sensitivity the Lord has for us. The UPMOST and the HIGHEST is the definition of strength. But the Lord is also gentile and sensitive. How beautiful of a picture is created by this? i love it.
enjoy your summer day.
remember. :)
and also remember YOU ARE LOVED.
and eat some cotton candy and look towards the sky... haha just kidding.
but love.
Friday, June 19, 2009
(1)
i would walk out in the pouring rain just to hold Your hand.
just to breathe the same air as You and to become clean beside You.
just to breathe the same air as You and to become clean beside You.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Pouring Out.
i just got the strong urge to write.
so i am.
i just want you to know that YOU MATTER. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU ARE LOVED.
There are times where we find ourselves crying on a floor, exhausted about life. Questions are pouring out and you wish there was a button that could calm the soul and clear the mind for just a second. Why does this happen? How many more things can i do wrong? Why am i THE failure in my family? Where are my friends? Do i have friends? Why don't they like me, or better yet why don't they love me?
It hurts my heart so much to think that right now there are people planning on ending their lives. "2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment." "Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. (NIMH)" There are loved ones right now that are struggling so much through something, but feel too ashamed to tell anyone, too ashamed to share because there is that fear that lingers after a story is told. It hurts me that we are ashamed to share. i have been in places where i don't feel like anyone would ever want to listen to me so i bottle it all up inside hoping that the emotional explosion day never comes. Or they will listen and i will be forever condemned to be alone because of who i was or who i am or who i am becoming. It's cool because God is teaching me to be vulnerable day by day, but also someone who guards their heart. For the Bible says in (Proverbs 4:23):
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
i am thankful because i have an identity in my life. This identity is through Jesus. This identity is growing everyday and when it doesn't grow i pray that i hunger for growth and closeness. i want His heart. i want His eyes. i want to be a genuine lover. GENUINE.
genuine |ˈjenyoōin|
adjective
truly what something is said to be; authentic
• (of a person, emotion, or action) sincere
i have been blessed in my life to have met so many people. i love this blessing, it brings me to tears, sometimes the good ones and sometimes the hurtful tears. i believe i was made to be a lover of people, but not with my own flesh. i was made to be a lover of people through the love of Christ. Christ's GENUINE love for people.
i was named carra, which minus one r means "friend" in irish... it means "beloved" in italian. i think i was given this name for a reason and i want to live my life for Him. i want to be His beloved and friend. :)
REMEMBER. YOU ARE LOVED. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. these are not just words to write. These are words to remember, these are words to remind yourself. i pray that next time your heart feels broken, your heart will be lifted up and that you will remember that you are loved... and i pray for joy to break the chains that bring you down. Bless you. Bless bless bless you.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
so i am.
i just want you to know that YOU MATTER. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU ARE LOVED.
There are times where we find ourselves crying on a floor, exhausted about life. Questions are pouring out and you wish there was a button that could calm the soul and clear the mind for just a second. Why does this happen? How many more things can i do wrong? Why am i THE failure in my family? Where are my friends? Do i have friends? Why don't they like me, or better yet why don't they love me?
It hurts my heart so much to think that right now there are people planning on ending their lives. "2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment." "Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. (NIMH)" There are loved ones right now that are struggling so much through something, but feel too ashamed to tell anyone, too ashamed to share because there is that fear that lingers after a story is told. It hurts me that we are ashamed to share. i have been in places where i don't feel like anyone would ever want to listen to me so i bottle it all up inside hoping that the emotional explosion day never comes. Or they will listen and i will be forever condemned to be alone because of who i was or who i am or who i am becoming. It's cool because God is teaching me to be vulnerable day by day, but also someone who guards their heart. For the Bible says in (Proverbs 4:23):
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
i am thankful because i have an identity in my life. This identity is through Jesus. This identity is growing everyday and when it doesn't grow i pray that i hunger for growth and closeness. i want His heart. i want His eyes. i want to be a genuine lover. GENUINE.
genuine |ˈjenyoōin|
adjective
truly what something is said to be; authentic
• (of a person, emotion, or action) sincere
i have been blessed in my life to have met so many people. i love this blessing, it brings me to tears, sometimes the good ones and sometimes the hurtful tears. i believe i was made to be a lover of people, but not with my own flesh. i was made to be a lover of people through the love of Christ. Christ's GENUINE love for people.
i was named carra, which minus one r means "friend" in irish... it means "beloved" in italian. i think i was given this name for a reason and i want to live my life for Him. i want to be His beloved and friend. :)
REMEMBER. YOU ARE LOVED. YOUR STORY MATTERS. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. these are not just words to write. These are words to remember, these are words to remind yourself. i pray that next time your heart feels broken, your heart will be lifted up and that you will remember that you are loved... and i pray for joy to break the chains that bring you down. Bless you. Bless bless bless you.
In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Alone at 9:35 on a Saturday.
My music heard by humans cannot be appreciated fully except by Your ears.
i love that.
singing loud. guitaring loud. but still i feel lonely tonight and can't figure out why...
Lord how can i feel lonely when You fill every room i am in, when You step every step with me, when You whisper beautiful words of how You delight in me.
but sometimes i do feel lonely... and i apologize for this... i apologize for ignoring Your presence. i apologize for longing for others to fill this void, that doesn't even exist!!! The enemy likes to preach to me and tell me that there is a void, a void in my life. Well that void in my life is only when i don't run to You for EVERYTHING. And when i mean everything, Father, i mean the GOOD, THE BAD, THE EXISTING MOMENTS.
i repent for longing for others.
God prepare me for what is to come. Arm me for the battle. Make me hunger for You... ONLY YOU!
In Jesus' name. amen.
Fill those who are feeling lonely tonight, Father, fill them with joy that can't be explained in words.
9:42
i love that.
singing loud. guitaring loud. but still i feel lonely tonight and can't figure out why...
Lord how can i feel lonely when You fill every room i am in, when You step every step with me, when You whisper beautiful words of how You delight in me.
but sometimes i do feel lonely... and i apologize for this... i apologize for ignoring Your presence. i apologize for longing for others to fill this void, that doesn't even exist!!! The enemy likes to preach to me and tell me that there is a void, a void in my life. Well that void in my life is only when i don't run to You for EVERYTHING. And when i mean everything, Father, i mean the GOOD, THE BAD, THE EXISTING MOMENTS.
i repent for longing for others.
God prepare me for what is to come. Arm me for the battle. Make me hunger for You... ONLY YOU!
In Jesus' name. amen.
Fill those who are feeling lonely tonight, Father, fill them with joy that can't be explained in words.
9:42
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sunsets.
A gift from God.
Sunsets are gorgeous. It's like God wants to give us a pleasant memory to go to sleep by... kind of like a good night and a hug from Him. i love sunsets. i love spending time by myself under them, but even more so, being able to enjoy them with others. i didn't watch the sun set tonight but it was put on my heart... and i smiled as a result of it.
cheers.
hope your hearts are smiling tonight.
YOU ARE LOVED.
remember this.
Sunsets are gorgeous. It's like God wants to give us a pleasant memory to go to sleep by... kind of like a good night and a hug from Him. i love sunsets. i love spending time by myself under them, but even more so, being able to enjoy them with others. i didn't watch the sun set tonight but it was put on my heart... and i smiled as a result of it.
cheers.
hope your hearts are smiling tonight.
YOU ARE LOVED.
remember this.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Air I Breathe.
This air seems extremely thin when i try to sort it out.
This goes there, no wait, it goes there.
What am i trying to do?
What is it i am trying to accomplish?
i am leaning towards You to hear your heart beat
creating a song for me to live by...
i see clearer, hear sharper, and breathe.
as i breathe you in, i can breathe me out.
You are my inspiration.
Thank You for flooding my thoughts :).
Cheers for family.
This goes there, no wait, it goes there.
What am i trying to do?
What is it i am trying to accomplish?
i am leaning towards You to hear your heart beat
creating a song for me to live by...
i see clearer, hear sharper, and breathe.
as i breathe you in, i can breathe me out.
You are my inspiration.
Thank You for flooding my thoughts :).
Cheers for family.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Summer Cold?
Ahhh breathe in the fresh summer air... well soon to be summer air... as of yesterday this breathing has been a tad difficult due to a summer cold, but tis all good b/c summer is here! Well the summer spirit is in the air.
Today Melwren and i hit up ikea kea kea kea and got to have an amazing conversation in the car ride. :)
While at ikea we both came to a conclusion, being in ikea feels like being in a computer. They have everything set up as if it was a screenshot and everything has labels. It's like you could roll the cursor over the the item and see all the information about it. An interesting feeling. Kind of strange.
[now scroll up back to the photographs... take some time to look at the pictures... it's kind of cool b/c everyone will have a different reaction. Check out the sweet grapefruit!!! Do you see the heart? :)]
to me they feel like summer days and summer nights :).
but anyways...
i can't wait to sit under the stars with the Lord. Have some peaceful times... relaxing... remember the scene from the Lion King when they look at the stars? i want to chill like that... those stars like glitter, given to us, we can look up and enjoy them... like little angel lights, makes me smile.
i love You.
phew, i'm exhausted.
cough.
latas beautiful people.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Bike to Richmond.
i tink i meeeean back to RVA.
haha.
creation. beautiful. it's beautiful.
i love biking, laying in grass, looking at the sky.
yup.
enjoyable.
i enjoy cooking, going to melwren's room and picking on her, eating tacos, seeing loboynton, galaxy diner, random times, pushing daisies (the show).
yum.
ready to cook some din din!
perhaps i'll cook for you one day!
" 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
[Psalm 51:10]
good stuff. yup. it's food for the soul!
haha.
creation. beautiful. it's beautiful.
i love biking, laying in grass, looking at the sky.
yup.
enjoyable.
i enjoy cooking, going to melwren's room and picking on her, eating tacos, seeing loboynton, galaxy diner, random times, pushing daisies (the show).
yum.
ready to cook some din din!
perhaps i'll cook for you one day!
" 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me."
[Psalm 51:10]
good stuff. yup. it's food for the soul!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Eyes.
This past week has been quite an experience. It's insane how you can have some of the best bonding times in times of struggles. And it's so true. The Lord has taught me so much during this time of waiting and experiencing the death of a loved one. i never knew what it would be like to wait to hear when someone would die, or at least someone i grew up with. It's a weird feeling, because you know there may be pain, and so it becomes a weird subject. On Tuesday of last week i was hanging out with some of my RVA family. We were going through Target being goobers and my mom called me. i just thought she was responding to the text i had sent her, a simple "i love you." haha, my first thought is she was just calling me so she didn't have to text back, ;) she's still getting down texting! hehe love you! but she actually called on a more serious note. One that brought a little blurred vision due to tearing up kind of call. My mom told me that my grandma (sykes) had only a few days to live. At first i just thought i would stay in RVA until i was to go home for a funeral. Selfish. That's what i was being. And i'm going to tell you, the Lord quickly spoke to me through a couple of my random friends, as well as throug some of my friends i've known for a while. Go home carra, go home. And so on Wednesday i took the 3.5 hour drive down to my hometown Greensboro to be with family. Like i've written in the last blog, i only told my mom and my brother...
fast forward to Mother's day (sunday May 10, 2009). i would have to say that this was probably the best mother's day we have experienced in so many years. My family held this joy that grandma sykes would have talked about in her laughter talks (she used to go around to churches and talk about this). i got to hang out with my brother, i got to see a different side of his heart which i totally admire. i got to hang out with my dad, we didn't banter at all. i got to hug my mom like crazy and just love on my family.
Eyes. You really can tell a lot about someone by their eyes. My family has beautiful eyes. i really got to witness this this past week. The Lord really has shown me a bunch about my family, you'd think you would know by growing up for 21 years with them, but you really do learn new things day by day. On Tuesday, May 12 i got to hang out with my friend JP from lunch until late on Tuesday night. i got a sweet insight to some people he really loves. Around 10ish i kept getting messages from my mom and bro and something was up, my heart kind of dropped a little, in a sigh sort of way, wondering what was going on... JP drove me back to Greensboro. My rentals had gotten word that my grandma was not doing well, like the kind of not doing well, which meant she really didn't have long to live. My mom and dad sped over to the home where my grandma was and then Drew and i followed after i quickly got home. We were blessed by Amanda's, my friend and now Drew's gf, presence.
You can't really prepare yourself for what we witnessed. As we walked into the room, my grandmother was breathing fast and heavy. Her aged heart wasn't supposed to take/support this type of breathing. i love her so much. i really do. i just looked at her and just words of love and just from the heart were coming to me, prayers, prayers and prayers and love and just my heart. i looked into her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, full of compassion, and now gazing straight ahead. i looked at her eyes and it made me wonder, i wondered if her eyes were stuck on the eyes of our Father. She was being called home and His gaze and her gaze were on each other. Over the time we were there my eyes shed tears. i'd say, pretty much every tear that fell was a different kind. There was saddness, there was joy of freedom, there was concern, there was compassion.
i looked at my dad and saw so much emotion. His eyes cared so much for his mother. It was a perspective that made me weep even more. And my mother, Jamie was like a mom to both my mom and dad. i've seen such an angel in her over these years taking care of grandma and visiting her. You know, keeping someone company even when they are leaving this world... means so much. Even when it's just sitting with them in silence, or encouraging them. It's amazing how the Lord blesses us through people. And Drew, i love my brother so much. We were there supporting each other. Tears came out, memories poured out, bonding, so much family bonding has happened in the past week. Thanks to the beautiful woman, Jamie Sykes. And i'm going to say it over and over again. Grandma, i love you. i love the life You have blessed us with. And it's really cool b/c today at the funeral the pastor said, "sister" and i realized, my grandma was my sister. And this made my heart smile.
At 12:07am Wednesday, May 13, 2009 Dad, Mom, Drew, Amanda, and I witnessed Jamie Sykes go home, where there is a freedom only she will know, until it is our time. It was something i never knew i would witness in life, it was hard, but it was beautiful at the same time. The peace in the room was overwhelming. i really felt His presence and comfort. As we left the room to let my dad have an alone time with his beautiful mother, i looked at the door. There hung a sign. A sign that had never had much meaning until now... the sign reads "Welcome, Jamie Sykes." This was a sign from the Lord letting me know, "your grandma got home safe and she's here with Me." My heart felt the comfort of the Lord. And i had a joyful moment knowing that grandma was dancing with the Lord. Beautiful.
There is only so much i can type out. The hearts here have seen a lot over the past week. There is much i have not written here, and that's okay, i just hope that this blog blesses your day. God i ask that this was not written in vain, i ask that it blesses those who read it... We have been put together as a family to support one another in love. Thank You Lord for sending me home. Thank You for this experience. And i raise my hat and heart to you grandma. God bless you. Thank you Lord.
fast forward to Mother's day (sunday May 10, 2009). i would have to say that this was probably the best mother's day we have experienced in so many years. My family held this joy that grandma sykes would have talked about in her laughter talks (she used to go around to churches and talk about this). i got to hang out with my brother, i got to see a different side of his heart which i totally admire. i got to hang out with my dad, we didn't banter at all. i got to hug my mom like crazy and just love on my family.
Eyes. You really can tell a lot about someone by their eyes. My family has beautiful eyes. i really got to witness this this past week. The Lord really has shown me a bunch about my family, you'd think you would know by growing up for 21 years with them, but you really do learn new things day by day. On Tuesday, May 12 i got to hang out with my friend JP from lunch until late on Tuesday night. i got a sweet insight to some people he really loves. Around 10ish i kept getting messages from my mom and bro and something was up, my heart kind of dropped a little, in a sigh sort of way, wondering what was going on... JP drove me back to Greensboro. My rentals had gotten word that my grandma was not doing well, like the kind of not doing well, which meant she really didn't have long to live. My mom and dad sped over to the home where my grandma was and then Drew and i followed after i quickly got home. We were blessed by Amanda's, my friend and now Drew's gf, presence.
You can't really prepare yourself for what we witnessed. As we walked into the room, my grandmother was breathing fast and heavy. Her aged heart wasn't supposed to take/support this type of breathing. i love her so much. i really do. i just looked at her and just words of love and just from the heart were coming to me, prayers, prayers and prayers and love and just my heart. i looked into her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, full of compassion, and now gazing straight ahead. i looked at her eyes and it made me wonder, i wondered if her eyes were stuck on the eyes of our Father. She was being called home and His gaze and her gaze were on each other. Over the time we were there my eyes shed tears. i'd say, pretty much every tear that fell was a different kind. There was saddness, there was joy of freedom, there was concern, there was compassion.
i looked at my dad and saw so much emotion. His eyes cared so much for his mother. It was a perspective that made me weep even more. And my mother, Jamie was like a mom to both my mom and dad. i've seen such an angel in her over these years taking care of grandma and visiting her. You know, keeping someone company even when they are leaving this world... means so much. Even when it's just sitting with them in silence, or encouraging them. It's amazing how the Lord blesses us through people. And Drew, i love my brother so much. We were there supporting each other. Tears came out, memories poured out, bonding, so much family bonding has happened in the past week. Thanks to the beautiful woman, Jamie Sykes. And i'm going to say it over and over again. Grandma, i love you. i love the life You have blessed us with. And it's really cool b/c today at the funeral the pastor said, "sister" and i realized, my grandma was my sister. And this made my heart smile.
At 12:07am Wednesday, May 13, 2009 Dad, Mom, Drew, Amanda, and I witnessed Jamie Sykes go home, where there is a freedom only she will know, until it is our time. It was something i never knew i would witness in life, it was hard, but it was beautiful at the same time. The peace in the room was overwhelming. i really felt His presence and comfort. As we left the room to let my dad have an alone time with his beautiful mother, i looked at the door. There hung a sign. A sign that had never had much meaning until now... the sign reads "Welcome, Jamie Sykes." This was a sign from the Lord letting me know, "your grandma got home safe and she's here with Me." My heart felt the comfort of the Lord. And i had a joyful moment knowing that grandma was dancing with the Lord. Beautiful.
There is only so much i can type out. The hearts here have seen a lot over the past week. There is much i have not written here, and that's okay, i just hope that this blog blesses your day. God i ask that this was not written in vain, i ask that it blesses those who read it... We have been put together as a family to support one another in love. Thank You Lord for sending me home. Thank You for this experience. And i raise my hat and heart to you grandma. God bless you. Thank you Lord.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Experienced.
over the past week i have experienced a lot.
i've got stories to tell.
got stories to remember.
and tomorrow, it's a new day.
a day to celebrate the life of Jamie Sykes.
a day to celebrate the life the Lord has blessed us with.
a day to smile and laugh at memories, and perhaps cry.
a day to wipe away tears and remember the joy.
a day to remember a life is now free.
a day to say, "my grandma was wonderful, and i want you to know this."
i love my family. we sure have taken a journey this past week.
a journey i will remember.
God bless you :).
God bless the Ramsey family. Y'all are in my prayers and Ben keep being a strong son. Bless y'all so so much. My heart is with y'all.
as i end my stay in the boro, i want to go back to rva with what i've gained here these past few days. i love my family so much. i am blessed to have them, we have become a support team for each other. cheers Lord for my strong, unique, goober, and much muc more, family :)!
i've got stories to tell.
got stories to remember.
and tomorrow, it's a new day.
a day to celebrate the life of Jamie Sykes.
a day to celebrate the life the Lord has blessed us with.
a day to smile and laugh at memories, and perhaps cry.
a day to wipe away tears and remember the joy.
a day to remember a life is now free.
a day to say, "my grandma was wonderful, and i want you to know this."
i love my family. we sure have taken a journey this past week.
a journey i will remember.
God bless you :).
God bless the Ramsey family. Y'all are in my prayers and Ben keep being a strong son. Bless y'all so so much. My heart is with y'all.
as i end my stay in the boro, i want to go back to rva with what i've gained here these past few days. i love my family so much. i am blessed to have them, we have become a support team for each other. cheers Lord for my strong, unique, goober, and much muc more, family :)!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Sitting At Five Fourty One.
i used to have this thing where i would put the time at the beginning and at the end of each journal writing i did... did this in Ireland all semester long. i would begin by writing the Irish time as well as the time back home so that i would know somewhat what my family would be up to... but yeah anyways haha.
As i sit on my couch and my feet placed nicely on the glass table in front of me my heart beats in a way i can feel it. i take a breath and here i am typing. Two days ago i drove back to Greensboro (the Boro) to be home with family. i had received a call from my mom that my grandma only had a few days to live, and even a "few" seemed like a generous number. The Lord spoke to me through a couple of people and so my journey began by leaving after a nice lunch with some of my RVA family. The drive home was it's usual pain-staking trying to stay awake drive, except this time i really felt the Lord's protection over my car, the drive was smooth, even if i felt super dooper tired. i had told my bro bro that i was coming home so someone knew i was on the road and then i told him he could tell the rents... my mom is awesome and didn't tell my dad so it would be a total surprise to him! (my grandmother is his mother)... i got home and she said the look on his face was great, i'd like to picture it as a subtitle as how his heart felt knowing i had come home for the family... but honestly i want to humble the situation. i want to give God all the GLORY! b/c really it was Him that got me out here...
Yesteray i experienced a new experience in life... one that i wouldn't want to put anyone through but one that taught me a lot through a really tough moment and moments. i told my mom that i really did need to see my grandma and she thought it was best. We left the house around 10:43 yesterday and headed to the place where my grandma lives. i was prepared, and talked to my heart before i entered... thinking, "oh, i wont cry..." and we all know that God has me in a crying season haha ;)... well here is how it all began:
The first word God gave me when i saw her little self was "beautiful." i couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful my grandmother was, at this moment... i give this all to the Lord because He gave me His eyes and heart for this time i was spending with my grandmother. "Beautiful." When most people would look and shutter at how weak and pitiful my grandma looked, God kept saying to me "look how beautiful she is." And of course what came next were tears that just kept falling... you try to turn off that faucet in order to bring yourself together but the tears just keep falling. Honestly it took me a while to get together enough to just speak to her without making her worried... my grandmother cannot speak, chew, or even really swallow now, but she can hear. And all i wanted to do was tell her how beautiful she is and how much the Lord has blessed me and my family with her life. Gah, she is so beautiful. i just sat there and looked into her eyes, telling her how much the Lord delights in her and i know she knew what i was saying... we kept our eyes on each other. She expressed a little through her eyebrows and there are some moments i'm going to keep to myself that i will forever cheerish. i am so blessed to have had come home to spend these hours with my grandma. i will never forget the moments we had, and i just pray, Lord, i pray for no pain. God for when there is pain in the night... JOY! comes in the morning!
Lord it's so exciting that she will be dancing with you and grandaddy soon! I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA!
family is a blessing.
i'm really learning to cherrish the moments we are given.
if you have prayer requests for your family please send me an email. i want to pray for them/you :)
love.
five fifty nine
As i sit on my couch and my feet placed nicely on the glass table in front of me my heart beats in a way i can feel it. i take a breath and here i am typing. Two days ago i drove back to Greensboro (the Boro) to be home with family. i had received a call from my mom that my grandma only had a few days to live, and even a "few" seemed like a generous number. The Lord spoke to me through a couple of people and so my journey began by leaving after a nice lunch with some of my RVA family. The drive home was it's usual pain-staking trying to stay awake drive, except this time i really felt the Lord's protection over my car, the drive was smooth, even if i felt super dooper tired. i had told my bro bro that i was coming home so someone knew i was on the road and then i told him he could tell the rents... my mom is awesome and didn't tell my dad so it would be a total surprise to him! (my grandmother is his mother)... i got home and she said the look on his face was great, i'd like to picture it as a subtitle as how his heart felt knowing i had come home for the family... but honestly i want to humble the situation. i want to give God all the GLORY! b/c really it was Him that got me out here...
Yesteray i experienced a new experience in life... one that i wouldn't want to put anyone through but one that taught me a lot through a really tough moment and moments. i told my mom that i really did need to see my grandma and she thought it was best. We left the house around 10:43 yesterday and headed to the place where my grandma lives. i was prepared, and talked to my heart before i entered... thinking, "oh, i wont cry..." and we all know that God has me in a crying season haha ;)... well here is how it all began:
The first word God gave me when i saw her little self was "beautiful." i couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful my grandmother was, at this moment... i give this all to the Lord because He gave me His eyes and heart for this time i was spending with my grandmother. "Beautiful." When most people would look and shutter at how weak and pitiful my grandma looked, God kept saying to me "look how beautiful she is." And of course what came next were tears that just kept falling... you try to turn off that faucet in order to bring yourself together but the tears just keep falling. Honestly it took me a while to get together enough to just speak to her without making her worried... my grandmother cannot speak, chew, or even really swallow now, but she can hear. And all i wanted to do was tell her how beautiful she is and how much the Lord has blessed me and my family with her life. Gah, she is so beautiful. i just sat there and looked into her eyes, telling her how much the Lord delights in her and i know she knew what i was saying... we kept our eyes on each other. She expressed a little through her eyebrows and there are some moments i'm going to keep to myself that i will forever cheerish. i am so blessed to have had come home to spend these hours with my grandma. i will never forget the moments we had, and i just pray, Lord, i pray for no pain. God for when there is pain in the night... JOY! comes in the morning!
Lord it's so exciting that she will be dancing with you and grandaddy soon! I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU GRANDMA!
family is a blessing.
i'm really learning to cherrish the moments we are given.
if you have prayer requests for your family please send me an email. i want to pray for them/you :)
love.
five fifty nine
Monday, May 4, 2009
Imagine a Montage of a Year But...
Not enough pictures to show it all... so basically i thought that this post would be dedicated to random photographs with beautiful people.
i went through my facebook pictures and was amazed at the memories of this past year flowing through my head to the point of excited exhaustion haha. i am amazed at how much we learn in a year... but even more so in an hour, a minute, a second. A DAY! ah it's crazy. and i'm thankful.
yup... oh yes, one more thing... these photographs you are about to view don't speak those 1000 words enough for the memories behind them as well as the memories that i'm not even posting or don't even have photographs to be the witness. praise the Lord for EVERYTHING.
i went through my facebook pictures and was amazed at the memories of this past year flowing through my head to the point of excited exhaustion haha. i am amazed at how much we learn in a year... but even more so in an hour, a minute, a second. A DAY! ah it's crazy. and i'm thankful.
yup... oh yes, one more thing... these photographs you are about to view don't speak those 1000 words enough for the memories behind them as well as the memories that i'm not even posting or don't even have photographs to be the witness. praise the Lord for EVERYTHING.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
One Thirty Eight. A Simple Smile.
Yesterday the rain came down like there was no tomorrow. As if there had been a drought for like 10 years and then God let it rain, haha! Well, for once I actually decided to drive to school, but this was because 1. i had to go to kinkos, 2. it was pouring rain to the point of not being able to avoid getting soaked.
Before i get to the smile part of my blog i'd like to praise the Lord for putting my car in park!!! i had to reverse at some point in my trip and was at a stop light. The light turned green and i did what most people do at a green light, accelerated. But my engine reved and and i was confused... i looked down and i had been in park but just minutes before i had been in reverse! There was a car directly behind mine, so i would have been in a pretty bad wreck, caused by the one and only me. PRAISE THE LORD!!!
so... yesterday walking to class from the parking deck and there was a river puddle between stuffy's subs and the other building. i saw this guy walking towards me and i could tell we were both thinking about how to get around this... so i go left and find a smaller area of the river, and he follows but to his right. The conversation we had was just a smile and a simple laugh... but this really hit me in a poetic way... God gave us the ability to smile and laugh. Now bear with me for a second... imagine yourself going through your day and all of a sudden something just makes you smile BAM! there it is a smile bigger than your face! Now remember that feeling? The feeling of a true smile occuring all in one instance, and sometimes we don't even know why this smile occurs. i like to imagine these pure smiles as little presents from God. Something to mix up our day... something so simple, but with such a huge impact. i love smiling. i love that feeling... when i know it's a real smile :)! i have always described these as the ones you can feel your ears go up. It's a whole face kind of thing... your expression tells it all, without words.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SMILES.
gah, i love You!
(taking the shortest break in history to finish up the blog i started this morning... now back to the GO GO GO of end of the year final projects and printing my life away at kinkos sooooon)
oh yeah and just got the new meg and dia cd... it's so different...
Before i get to the smile part of my blog i'd like to praise the Lord for putting my car in park!!! i had to reverse at some point in my trip and was at a stop light. The light turned green and i did what most people do at a green light, accelerated. But my engine reved and and i was confused... i looked down and i had been in park but just minutes before i had been in reverse! There was a car directly behind mine, so i would have been in a pretty bad wreck, caused by the one and only me. PRAISE THE LORD!!!
so... yesterday walking to class from the parking deck and there was a river puddle between stuffy's subs and the other building. i saw this guy walking towards me and i could tell we were both thinking about how to get around this... so i go left and find a smaller area of the river, and he follows but to his right. The conversation we had was just a smile and a simple laugh... but this really hit me in a poetic way... God gave us the ability to smile and laugh. Now bear with me for a second... imagine yourself going through your day and all of a sudden something just makes you smile BAM! there it is a smile bigger than your face! Now remember that feeling? The feeling of a true smile occuring all in one instance, and sometimes we don't even know why this smile occurs. i like to imagine these pure smiles as little presents from God. Something to mix up our day... something so simple, but with such a huge impact. i love smiling. i love that feeling... when i know it's a real smile :)! i have always described these as the ones you can feel your ears go up. It's a whole face kind of thing... your expression tells it all, without words.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SMILES.
gah, i love You!
(taking the shortest break in history to finish up the blog i started this morning... now back to the GO GO GO of end of the year final projects and printing my life away at kinkos sooooon)
oh yeah and just got the new meg and dia cd... it's so different...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Love is Sealed Upon My Heart.
i believe in love.i believe in being broken in order to know love.
i believe in hope.
i believe in rescue.
i praise the Lord today for the light He gives me in my life.
i haven't been writing blogs lately because i have been super busy with many different things... EASTER! was celebrated this past weekend, as well as my 21st birthday, on the SAME DAY!!! Praise the Lord! What's cool is, Jesus is alive everyday... so Easter IS everyday! Haha, well kind of...
About a week and a half ago i got back from an amazing long weekend in Cocoa Beach, FLAH! i was blessed to meet amazing people. i was blessed to learn a lot about brokenness, which is a prayer of mine, because i want life to be real, prayers to be REAL, LOVE TO BE REAL... i learned a lot about who i am and who i am becoming. i was inspired. i was listened to, and listened to a lot all at the same time. i was encouraged by and hopefully encouraged those around me. My roomie was more than i could have asked for during MOVE09 the TWLOHA conference for training and learning. i really can't write down the whole experience because there was so much, which would overload the blogger system with so many words. If i could draw a picture of the weekend, i still think i would have a hard time expressing what the trip meant to me, and i'm sure my new friends feel the same. It was amazing, and we are all excited to continue on the inspiration from the weekend we experienced together. Jesus has given me a heart for the broken-hearted, the lonely, and really, a heart for people. i am blessed to have a mom and dad that supported me going on this experience adventure and i can't wait to do more for TWLOHA b/c TWLOHA has done so much for me. i am so stoked that the Lord brought To Write Love on Her Arms into my life. It's time to give back to the community, and i am willing and ready! i want to write a poem about my experience there, but that will have to come when it comes.
LOVE LOVE LOVED MOVE. Like i said, can't describe in words, but my roomie Lindsay did an amazing job in writing out the experience :)!
i appologize for not writing out everything like i had planned on doing. Time got the best of me and filled my days up with work for the end of the semester projects, as well as getting together everything the VCU chapter of TWLOHA needs to be approved. i hope we get approved for FALL 2009!!!
i am 21.
that's weird to write out, say, or even think about.
the fact that i made it to 21 is the most important thing.
not the being able to drink, or go to any shows that are 21+, or whatever comes with 21.
i am blessed to be here.
i am blessed to be a warrior.
i am blessed to be able to love on people.
it's a battle, life that is...
dad, if you are reading this, know i love you. know that no matter what we have to go through to learn how to love each other, i will still love you, and i am trying SO so so so hard. know you don't have to worry about me turning into someone who doesn't accept people, for i am not the judge, God is, and when it all gets down to things, past the human flesh of me, i am a lover of people, because that's what God does, and i want to love like Him, for we are His children. i am thankful, SO THANKFUL, for you and mom and drew... for without God putting you in my life, i wouldn't have gotten to where i am today, and where i am going. let us heal this relationship, because there is no point in leaving the broken pieces broken.
i love You, Lord.
i love you, family.
i love you, you reading this.
cheers.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Blog to Come...
THE MOVE CONFERENCE WAS AWESOME and i will be following up with a bloggage as soon as i get some time to write it all out :)!!! LOVE LOVE
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Ponder.
(edit: i wrote this after making a stencil poster thing for my imaging class)
each cut i make in this stencil i pray goes to the good fight.
get the word out, get it out.
busy days bundle up, and taunt us.
potential present, potential pondering, potential.
all in, or all out.
i'd like to strive for all in kind of life.
i don't want to be offended!
You are my rescuer and know me dirty and clean.
when You come i want to be ready.
how does one get ready?
prepare me.
humble me, NOW. please.
[working on a poster project taking a short break to write some stuff down. blessed to be living with two of my sisters next year :), can't wait to jam on the guitar for the Lord like everyday and minute of free time! and keyboard, and uke, and harmonica!]
slay me Lord.
each cut i make in this stencil i pray goes to the good fight.
get the word out, get it out.
busy days bundle up, and taunt us.
potential present, potential pondering, potential.
all in, or all out.
i'd like to strive for all in kind of life.
i don't want to be offended!
You are my rescuer and know me dirty and clean.
when You come i want to be ready.
how does one get ready?
prepare me.
humble me, NOW. please.
[working on a poster project taking a short break to write some stuff down. blessed to be living with two of my sisters next year :), can't wait to jam on the guitar for the Lord like everyday and minute of free time! and keyboard, and uke, and harmonica!]
slay me Lord.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Meetings.
The Lord blesses us with meeting people everyday.
Love pours out.
Let His love pour out.
Yes.
so stoked.
Love pours out.
Let His love pour out.
Yes.
so stoked.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Place.
FIRST I'D LIKE TO PRAISE THE LORD FOR HOUSING!!! HE ALWAYS PROVIDES! And it's not just a provision it's the BEST possible one! When we think we know, we have no idea haha ;). And when i say we i mean me hehe. Photographs will be posted eventually when everything settles down... moving around April 15th!!! :). Will miss the place and people i live with now but excited for the new adventure ahead...
"Though the strong could be My company, you're the one I choose" (bethany dillon lyric)
The Lord chooses the weak to lead the strong! So let us be weak for Him and we will be so strong with Him!!!
Child, you boast of how much you know.
let it go, let it go, let it go.
"Though the strong could be My company, you're the one I choose" (bethany dillon lyric)
The Lord chooses the weak to lead the strong! So let us be weak for Him and we will be so strong with Him!!!
Child, you boast of how much you know.
let it go, let it go, let it go.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Breathe.
i can breathe now.
and it's You that i breathed.
there is a dark spirit that tries to steal joy
but pure joy cannot be taken
for this joy is strong and made by a Lover.
and this Lover is perfect.
Lover of my soul drowns me in perfect love
and because Perfect Love casts out all fear.
fear dissolves like snow in water
we shall shout and declare Your name.
for today the enemy was defeated.
and i declare this in Your Name.
and it's You that i breathed.
there is a dark spirit that tries to steal joy
but pure joy cannot be taken
for this joy is strong and made by a Lover.
and this Lover is perfect.
Lover of my soul drowns me in perfect love
and because Perfect Love casts out all fear.
fear dissolves like snow in water
we shall shout and declare Your name.
for today the enemy was defeated.
and i declare this in Your Name.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
3.14
i used to love math.i still enjoy it on the occasion.
i in lowercase for this post. i want to feel small, because i am small.
Today is March 14th. Halfway through March you say! INDEED! It's insane! By the end of this month i have to have a completed poster for my imaging class, type work done, another archaeology exam (oh boy!), more illustrations, form/communication work (oh boy! again!), etc. i feel as if this month has passed by like a ship unnoticed. But that's okay. On April 2-5 i get the privilege to go to Cocoa, FLA for the MOVE 09 conference put on by TWLOHA. EXCITING.
March, march, the ants go marching? what? Nah, well maybe... but let's see... spring break 2009 was a blessing, as well as a superspeed revisiting and newly visiting things in life. Went to Greensboro and had an AMAZING TIME with the family. Gah, they are so wonderful!!! Miss 'em though. Then headed to HAVELOCK, NC to meet Melwren's fabulous grandma! She was so cute! And i got to go on a military base for the first time... i think... Then headed to RALEIGHwood and saw some old friends :), as well as got to meet Melwren's Aunt, Uncle and Cousin!!! They were fun and stuffed us full of yummy Italian! Got to see LO!!! and she was cute, per usual :)! And then headed back to RVA!!!
i enjoy it here. Today has been full of me working on homework and trying to focus myself for the rest of the semester. As i was doing work today i decided i would close the blinds as it got closer to six eventhough the light was still out... but then two mins later i hear yelling "GET DOWN NOW! NOW SIR! GET DOWN, LAY ON THE GROUND!!!" and i'm freaking out, because someone could shoot a gun... so as i frantically start praying i perk my ears up to hear what's going on... apparently two men were getting arrested outside of my window (thank the Lord i'm on the second story) but i was home alone at the time, which didn't make things any better... they waited outside for a really long time, i think they left around 7:50ish. Funny thing is, about 10 mins before the yelling occured i asked melissa if she wanted to get out of the house and hang out somewhere, we couldn't think of anything, although, i kind of wanted to go to short pump but didn't say anything, and then the chaos occured. i'm very thankful that there were no shots fired and that the police were out there for a long time!
phew.
what a day.
i also got to barely skype chat with my mum. hope that can be longer some other time!
cheers,
the wash.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Breathing and Sighing.
I breathe in the air of Richmond today. I have been in two states today. Today. It feels nice to be back and sitting in the room I've known for almost a year. I still can't believe RVA has been called home for a while now. Right now it is kind of a cloudy day, both emotionally as well as physically outside. I'm trying to keep my head up and keep my eyes on the Lord, who provides ALL that I need.Found out that TWLOHA got many many many applications and got an email saying that I would not be interning for them this summer b/c they had already chosen the people for summer 2009. I may be in denial but I still haven't heard the No-go from God. I still feel like there is a slight chance I will be working for TWLOHA this summer. Until I hear from the Lord, I am still going to be trying, I'm not one to give things up, unless the Lord tells me to... perhaps I will get an opportunity to work a little bit at Warped Tour and that's why the Lord has made it so I don't intern at Cocoa Beach. I'm praying that none of this is denial and that I am openning my hear to what God wants me to do this summer. I HAVE to do something this summer. Something productive. And I will... I just am waiting to see what that something is going to be.
NO MATTER WHAT, i WILL POUR OUT MY LOVE to those around me. If the Lord calls me to love people by working at a store this summer, i will lovingly and willingly pour out my love in these places. My living situation is up in the air as well. We are praying for a place to live and i am hoping to get one open by May First. Please Lord! i know You will provide!
I head to Cocoa, FLA in less than a month, in fact t-minus 21 days! I will be attending the MOVE09 conference with To Write Love on Her Arms. I am super stoked and I have a lot of designs to share with Jamie and/or other TWLOHA peeps. I am going to talk to them and right now i am preparing myself for this journey. Optimistic, i know my optimism can only come from one place, and this is from my Savior. Because I used to be way darker than i am today. I used to pour out pestimistic views or put on the mask of optimism. But now that i have seen the light and accepted it and yearn for it, i carry this optimism with me as much as i can!
I LOVE YOU LORD!
and i will continue to wait upon You and i want, with all my heart!!! to wait for You and to hear from You. And it is my prayer today that i will breathe You in and take what You want me to have for my summer, and the rest of my life!
Cheers!
(spring break blog later, this was just on my heart)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Always Perfect Timing.
if you want to know why... ask me...
"When I Go Down"
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods
I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works
When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them
If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found
I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works
Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly
You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth
When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
"When I Go Down"
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods
I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works
When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them
If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found
I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works
Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly
You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth
When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
New Milk.
(twloha website photograph)Haha, so I am going to try to explain the title of this blog. Basically, this blog is long overdue which means the milk would be expired which means I need new milk. And THIS blog represents the NEW MILK.
Phew. Thanks to the Lord, I just finished my application for the TWLOHA Summer 2009 internship!!! AHHHHHHH EXCITEMENT AND HOPES AND PRAYERS! I still need to email them a portfolio so I am in the works of sewing one together from my work and such! I feel called to work with To Write Love on Her Arms this summer and I have to do it! I have had dreams at night about working with TWLOHA at warped tour but any kind of internship would be AMAZING!
TWLOHA
I haven't blogged in a while which is kind of sad. I have been out of the house for ages and pretty much stranded near campus because of the beautiful yet dangerous snowfallz! I have many friends who are getting sick/or just recovered so prayers for healing!!!
I think I'll write a spontanious poem because I don't really know how to sum up this week slash last week:
Your light is so powerful i can see it, even when i sleep.
Your light is so powerful i can hear it, even when the music is on max.
Your light is so powerful i can taste it, even when i am under water.
You drown me with Your love, and it's the most alive i ever feel.
Please don't stop, WAIT. i know you won't stop.
Cheers for all You do, You are the everlasting and the everpresent.
Phew. Thanks to the Lord, I just finished my application for the TWLOHA Summer 2009 internship!!! AHHHHHHH EXCITEMENT AND HOPES AND PRAYERS! I still need to email them a portfolio so I am in the works of sewing one together from my work and such! I feel called to work with To Write Love on Her Arms this summer and I have to do it! I have had dreams at night about working with TWLOHA at warped tour but any kind of internship would be AMAZING!
TWLOHA
I haven't blogged in a while which is kind of sad. I have been out of the house for ages and pretty much stranded near campus because of the beautiful yet dangerous snowfallz! I have many friends who are getting sick/or just recovered so prayers for healing!!!
I think I'll write a spontanious poem because I don't really know how to sum up this week slash last week:
Your light is so powerful i can see it, even when i sleep.
Your light is so powerful i can hear it, even when the music is on max.
Your light is so powerful i can taste it, even when i am under water.
You drown me with Your love, and it's the most alive i ever feel.
Please don't stop, WAIT. i know you won't stop.
Cheers for all You do, You are the everlasting and the everpresent.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Romans Sounds Like Romance...
Weekend oh how you sneak up on us and leave just as fast!
Friday I went to a Sheraton to sit on babies for about three point five hours... and oddly enough to memory lane, I had been here once or twice before... when I played soccer (pretty much my whole life) for a traveling team we would play many tournaments in VA, little did I know I would eventually live here in the state I would play soccer so many weekends... just a tangent last year we went to VA for like 5 weekends in a row to play against colleges here (when I played for Meredith College)... back to babysitting time...
little ones make me nervous b/c they are so delicate, I mean their tiny fingernails are too precious but I can't even begin to describe their beautiful faces and innocence... gah I LOVE THEM... but don't worry mom, I'm not planning on having my own just yet... Amelie is the little girl I ended up spending about two hours with... just telling her how beautiful she is and how God made her and just loving on her... it takes a lot to pour into a child, but it's so worth it, it's beautiful. Amelie didn't cry the WHOLE time I was with her and I thank God for this b/c I don't know what to do when they cry... the Lord really helped me through this babysitting time... He gave me Jessica to help with the babes... then we went to RIHOP and I was so tired, and then hit up some spending the night with mel and chelle.
reverse to the beginning of this weekend... plans were changed and buildups of the little things lead to a small breakdown on the phone with my mom... it felt good to cry, there were no particular reasons for crying... that I know of... I mean I at least know one thing, I am slightly homesick... but then on the other end of things...when I go home I get homesick for RVA... the best part of it all though is that my Lord, my God is EVERPRESENT! So this helps with the homesick times, and God, I appologize for the times I think more about my "homes" and get "homesick" when I don't turn to You, You are my home YOU ARE MY HOME! And You give me family! oh how you do. gah, man wow. love.
saturday consisted of me basically sleep-getting a lift from mel to hannah's house. I got there and became surprisingly awake for a bit of time. I cherish the times I get to spend with my sisters. Hannah and I don't really get to hang out much but when we do we get a chance to talk about good life things. We had a chance to talk about things I needed to ask and talk about as well as just giggle at how we are... we made a butt-load of pancakes, some with an occaisional chocolate chip but we had to be sparing b/c we were almost out of them... as well as a yummers egg. No butter needed! haha. We headed to Joni's house to cheer her up from being sick, what a cute kid. Reverse to Hannah's house... I actually fell asleep on the couch downstairs but thankfully Hannah forgot to take a picture of me! Haha. Got home and showered and cut some of my hair, kind of went at it... and then played a little bit, and then headed to short pump to get some jeans because all of my current ones were holy haha ;) no pun intended...
so I headed out there in a somewhat dreamlike time of driving, victoria guided me (gps)... one of my favorite things about shopping is talking to strangers and especially talking to the people that work at the stores... not where they ask how they can help us but just talking to them about anything other than work haha... so I went to urban outfitters where I had a card and just kind of looked around for a bit... there were so many kids around. I was in a sea of people and it felt kind of weird to be there alone, but I was looking at these kids and just wanting to pour out to them, which as I type now makes me want to more and more and more and MORE go to intern with To Write Love on Her Arms... the Lord calls me to reach out to the generations surrounding me as well as my generation... I was talking to my other friend Hannah on friday about self-injury and addictions and we talked about how we have so many people in our lives that have been into either and most of the time it is the least of obvious. People tend to hid things well, and what I love about the organization is that it's getting conversations buzzing about things that used to be taboo to talk about... this spirit that lingers over our world needs to BREAK! and it's only a matter of God's time :).
I was going to leave short pump to get some chinese food but then saw a sign for the food court there... I knew there had to be some sort of Asian food there so I took that risk... knowing that the Asian food could not top that of the local places in the fan...I sat by myself after talking to the people of Panda Express... I openned and wrote in my sketch book as I sat eating some lovely orange chicken. So many people walking past where I ate... I figured it would be a good time to read some Romans, and this is where the title comes into play... if you were wondering hahaha...
So I openned Romans and read some of the subtitles... I've been stuck on Romans 6 so much lately I thought I would check out another chapter of Romans... "Present Suffering and Future Glory" stuck out to me, I knew God wanted me to read this... so I read it... tried to read it slowly... the first little part was really really good (it all was but here):
" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."
so that was really good haha...
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
God searches our heart, He knows ALL that's there... and what's awesome AWESOME AWESOME... NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD! as these days are coming and going I'm thankful that the Lord doesn't stop teaching me... we can never be bored with lessons from the Lord b/c there is always something new to learn.
much more on my mind at the moment but hard to put into words... thankful the Holy Spirit is here with me to intercede these moments of lack of knowing what to say and what to do... I think it's time I head out of my house and surround myself with my sisters... and contemplate more of what I was trying to get out perhaps... we shall see...
sorry for lack of pictures and extra words ;p
Friday I went to a Sheraton to sit on babies for about three point five hours... and oddly enough to memory lane, I had been here once or twice before... when I played soccer (pretty much my whole life) for a traveling team we would play many tournaments in VA, little did I know I would eventually live here in the state I would play soccer so many weekends... just a tangent last year we went to VA for like 5 weekends in a row to play against colleges here (when I played for Meredith College)... back to babysitting time...
little ones make me nervous b/c they are so delicate, I mean their tiny fingernails are too precious but I can't even begin to describe their beautiful faces and innocence... gah I LOVE THEM... but don't worry mom, I'm not planning on having my own just yet... Amelie is the little girl I ended up spending about two hours with... just telling her how beautiful she is and how God made her and just loving on her... it takes a lot to pour into a child, but it's so worth it, it's beautiful. Amelie didn't cry the WHOLE time I was with her and I thank God for this b/c I don't know what to do when they cry... the Lord really helped me through this babysitting time... He gave me Jessica to help with the babes... then we went to RIHOP and I was so tired, and then hit up some spending the night with mel and chelle.
reverse to the beginning of this weekend... plans were changed and buildups of the little things lead to a small breakdown on the phone with my mom... it felt good to cry, there were no particular reasons for crying... that I know of... I mean I at least know one thing, I am slightly homesick... but then on the other end of things...when I go home I get homesick for RVA... the best part of it all though is that my Lord, my God is EVERPRESENT! So this helps with the homesick times, and God, I appologize for the times I think more about my "homes" and get "homesick" when I don't turn to You, You are my home YOU ARE MY HOME! And You give me family! oh how you do. gah, man wow. love.
saturday consisted of me basically sleep-getting a lift from mel to hannah's house. I got there and became surprisingly awake for a bit of time. I cherish the times I get to spend with my sisters. Hannah and I don't really get to hang out much but when we do we get a chance to talk about good life things. We had a chance to talk about things I needed to ask and talk about as well as just giggle at how we are... we made a butt-load of pancakes, some with an occaisional chocolate chip but we had to be sparing b/c we were almost out of them... as well as a yummers egg. No butter needed! haha. We headed to Joni's house to cheer her up from being sick, what a cute kid. Reverse to Hannah's house... I actually fell asleep on the couch downstairs but thankfully Hannah forgot to take a picture of me! Haha. Got home and showered and cut some of my hair, kind of went at it... and then played a little bit, and then headed to short pump to get some jeans because all of my current ones were holy haha ;) no pun intended...
so I headed out there in a somewhat dreamlike time of driving, victoria guided me (gps)... one of my favorite things about shopping is talking to strangers and especially talking to the people that work at the stores... not where they ask how they can help us but just talking to them about anything other than work haha... so I went to urban outfitters where I had a card and just kind of looked around for a bit... there were so many kids around. I was in a sea of people and it felt kind of weird to be there alone, but I was looking at these kids and just wanting to pour out to them, which as I type now makes me want to more and more and more and MORE go to intern with To Write Love on Her Arms... the Lord calls me to reach out to the generations surrounding me as well as my generation... I was talking to my other friend Hannah on friday about self-injury and addictions and we talked about how we have so many people in our lives that have been into either and most of the time it is the least of obvious. People tend to hid things well, and what I love about the organization is that it's getting conversations buzzing about things that used to be taboo to talk about... this spirit that lingers over our world needs to BREAK! and it's only a matter of God's time :).
I was going to leave short pump to get some chinese food but then saw a sign for the food court there... I knew there had to be some sort of Asian food there so I took that risk... knowing that the Asian food could not top that of the local places in the fan...I sat by myself after talking to the people of Panda Express... I openned and wrote in my sketch book as I sat eating some lovely orange chicken. So many people walking past where I ate... I figured it would be a good time to read some Romans, and this is where the title comes into play... if you were wondering hahaha...
So I openned Romans and read some of the subtitles... I've been stuck on Romans 6 so much lately I thought I would check out another chapter of Romans... "Present Suffering and Future Glory" stuck out to me, I knew God wanted me to read this... so I read it... tried to read it slowly... the first little part was really really good (it all was but here):
" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 The creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."
so that was really good haha...
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
God searches our heart, He knows ALL that's there... and what's awesome AWESOME AWESOME... NOTHING CAN SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD! as these days are coming and going I'm thankful that the Lord doesn't stop teaching me... we can never be bored with lessons from the Lord b/c there is always something new to learn.
much more on my mind at the moment but hard to put into words... thankful the Holy Spirit is here with me to intercede these moments of lack of knowing what to say and what to do... I think it's time I head out of my house and surround myself with my sisters... and contemplate more of what I was trying to get out perhaps... we shall see...
sorry for lack of pictures and extra words ;p
Friday, February 13, 2009
Friday The Not So Thirteenth.
When I was younger I used to be afraid of Friday the Thirteenths... in fact the number thirteen even creeped me out. But this started to fade when I found out my mumsy was born on a Friday the Thirteenth blank years ago TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY! (haha, sometimes yah just gotta say it like that) And then the superstition completely faded when I gave my life to Christ. Why should a Friday that happens to fall on the thirteenth be scary? Now, movies like Freaky Friday and stuff those are nice and fun haha... but yeah cheers Jesus for wiping away the "Friday the Thirteenth" fear!On this day I am rejoicing! My mom and her brother were born blank years ago haha ;) mah, yah ain't that old hehe!!! I LOVE YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM and LAWSON!!!
Not only is today a great birthday but it is also TWLOHA DAY! So friends, today if you feel led, write the word "love" on your arms to support the love movement!!!
I'm just going to put this out here, God has really been putting people on my heart lately... the people who TWLOHA reaches out to... and the Lord has soften'd my heart and I just get emotional thinking and talking and praying about it all... I've always been the kid who crys rarely in front of people, and mostly while watching movies, but tears have been welling up lately when I'm thinking, praying, and just hoping for ALL THE CHAINS OF DEPRESSION AND DEATH TO BE BROKEN!
BREAK THE CHAINS. START THE FREEDOM. BRING THE LOVE. LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Fort.
So at the end of March and pretty much April I'm 99.9% sure I'm moving in with my sister Joni. She lives closer to campus which is pretty nice. I'm really stoked about moving in though... I can't wait to get to know her better and just experience a new experience. God is GREAT! He has provided me with shelter when the term shelter was up in the air for me... when I move in I am storing some stuff at a storage place just because this summer I don't think I'll have a place until later so I might as well store a lot of stuff now rather than waiting til the last min... so I will not have my bed at the house but, I think just for fun, for being a kid again I'm going to buy a 2 person tent to put up in my room and sleep in it, with Christmas lights and stuff... :) I really think this would be AWESOME!yup.
A FORT UNDER THE STARS YOU LAY YOUR SMILE UPON ME, FOR I AM MADE IN YOUR IMAGE :)!
THE BATTLE IS ON... WE ARE WARRIORS WITH EVERLASTING ARMOR.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Ninja Turtle Bike
VICTORY! death couldn't bring you down! i'm very thankful for my housemates and them having the tools for me to fix Cleo (my bike)
cheers to the Lord b/c i wouldn't have had any idea how to fix the bike!!!
and there's new tape on her :)!!! not sure how i like the green but i'll have to live with it for now...
TWLOHA.COM
ARTBLOGGAGE
cheers :)!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Breathe the Air.
There was so much of You in the room i couldn't even stand.
As i made my way to the floor i felt my body melt gracefully.
Breathe, breath, sigh.
i made it to my knees and words came out.
You let me yell into my hands and You called it a cry.
Vented, venting, sigh.
As i stood back up it took a second to get back together
Then i began to dance like a little kid.
Free, freedom, yes!
TODAY'S WEATHER IS BRILLERS!!! :)! I've been working on some of my imaging and have gotten on image done out of two due tomorrow. Hopefully I will finish before prayer tonight and then I'll be able to work on some of next week's work...
Let me just put this out there: I'M SO EXCITED FOR PRAYER TONIGHT! It's our first co-ed one since winter break!!! And I miss it so much!
like honey on my lips...
As i made my way to the floor i felt my body melt gracefully.
Breathe, breath, sigh.
i made it to my knees and words came out.
You let me yell into my hands and You called it a cry.
Vented, venting, sigh.
As i stood back up it took a second to get back together
Then i began to dance like a little kid.
Free, freedom, yes!
TODAY'S WEATHER IS BRILLERS!!! :)! I've been working on some of my imaging and have gotten on image done out of two due tomorrow. Hopefully I will finish before prayer tonight and then I'll be able to work on some of next week's work...
Let me just put this out there: I'M SO EXCITED FOR PRAYER TONIGHT! It's our first co-ed one since winter break!!! And I miss it so much!
like honey on my lips...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Fort Under Stars.
He built me a fort of more than sheets and old rickety chairs
and i played as joy filled my stomach.
things were different now but the good kind of change the kind
which makes you optimistic, always.
i sat as if i was floating safely up towards that place they call
the sky and i noticed something.
as if a gigantic bag of glitter was beautifully blown into the air
on this cold winter night.
He told me He counted each one carefully before they were
placed so aesthetically pleasing to our eyes.
but before the glittering sky, He painted me a portrait of a sky
glowing, as His sun lowered.
i became warm and content knowing that i was created by Him,
the one who provides it all.
and i played as joy filled my stomach.
things were different now but the good kind of change the kind
which makes you optimistic, always.
i sat as if i was floating safely up towards that place they call
the sky and i noticed something.
as if a gigantic bag of glitter was beautifully blown into the air
on this cold winter night.
He told me He counted each one carefully before they were
placed so aesthetically pleasing to our eyes.
but before the glittering sky, He painted me a portrait of a sky
glowing, as His sun lowered.
i became warm and content knowing that i was created by Him,
the one who provides it all.
Monday, February 2, 2009
One Twenty One
121st bloggagge.
art blog: HERE
just a quick update on my hand!
I am very thankful that there was a little trip to the health center on wed. b/c they discovered that the hand was indeed infected and I needed antibiotics! Cheers to the Lord for giving me the thought to go to the nurse! So now I am on antibiotics and wrapping the "wound."
Soon I will update with a 'spoken' but typed word. I'm in the mood for poetry.
art blog: HERE
just a quick update on my hand!
I am very thankful that there was a little trip to the health center on wed. b/c they discovered that the hand was indeed infected and I needed antibiotics! Cheers to the Lord for giving me the thought to go to the nurse! So now I am on antibiotics and wrapping the "wound."
Soon I will update with a 'spoken' but typed word. I'm in the mood for poetry.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Starting to Heal.
I can feel my hand getting a little better day by day, and my cold, I'm praying for that to leave swiftly.
Oh how the month of January has just seemed to fly by! Projects are starting to be due and every now and then there is a little bit of a warmer day. My car is fixed now! Praise the Lord!
Tomorrow my pops goes in for surgery on his knee. I will/am praying for you daddio. I've been there done that so I know it's a tough time. It'll be good though, perhaps we all learn something from it, things happen for a reason.
Right now I am listening to some Sufjan Stevens and really enjoying his music. I'm coughing every now and then but I have faith this will go away soon.
Biked to school today, which was nice, it had been a while due to freezing temperatures and all. Blessed to have a sister like Melwren who will take me everywhere. :)!
Tonight is RIHOP and I just pray pray pray for dancing and rejoicing of some sort! Even if I can't physically dance I pray that my heart will be dancing. :)
This is all around but it's all good.
Night loves,
Cheers,
peace in Him,
much much more,
Carra "The Wash"
right now I'm imagining some really great armor... and I like it.
Oh how the month of January has just seemed to fly by! Projects are starting to be due and every now and then there is a little bit of a warmer day. My car is fixed now! Praise the Lord!
Tomorrow my pops goes in for surgery on his knee. I will/am praying for you daddio. I've been there done that so I know it's a tough time. It'll be good though, perhaps we all learn something from it, things happen for a reason.
Right now I am listening to some Sufjan Stevens and really enjoying his music. I'm coughing every now and then but I have faith this will go away soon.
Biked to school today, which was nice, it had been a while due to freezing temperatures and all. Blessed to have a sister like Melwren who will take me everywhere. :)!
Tonight is RIHOP and I just pray pray pray for dancing and rejoicing of some sort! Even if I can't physically dance I pray that my heart will be dancing. :)
This is all around but it's all good.
Night loves,
Cheers,
peace in Him,
much much more,
Carra "The Wash"
right now I'm imagining some really great armor... and I like it.
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